Epic Universe: The Triumph of the Post-Theme Park

The best thing about Super Nintendo World isn’t the Mushroom Kingdom, though. It’s Donkey Kong Country, a new area that isn’t part of the California version of the land. Donkey Kong Country is a fun, funky, tropical outpost with more interactive games, a meet-and-greet with Nintendo’s original villain-turned-hero, an extravagant soft-serve treat that comes in a cool barrel-shaped mug, and the land’s one genuinely great ride: Mine-Cart Madness, a rickety family coaster with some cool animatronics and a neat gimmick that makes it look like your cart is jumping the rails. You have to walk through the front half of Super Nintendo World to get to Donkey Kong Country, so don’t get distracted by all the Mario business; DK is one monkey you’ll want to make time for.

You’d think Super Nintendo World would be my most anticipated part of Epic Universe, given that I edit Paste’s games section and was the perfect age for the original Super Mario Bros. when it came out. But no, I was most excited for a creepy little village home to movie monsters introduced almost a century ago. Dark Universe is a curious clash of Epic Universe at its best and least immersive. The village of Darkmoor is a gothic playland right out of a classic Universal Monster movie, with hints of German expressionism in its angular design, and a dramatic centerpiece in the form of Frankenstein’s Castle—which is also home to its main ride, Monsters Unchained: The Frankenstein, a mixed media tour de force that is easily the park’s best attraction. Everything from the entrance of Darkmoor to the castle that looms over the village is a visual feast, with a real lived-in sense. If you keep walking along the pathway that bends left at the castle, though, you’ll come across the large, unsightly netting that encases the track for Curse of the Werewolf, an open-air spinning coaster that has gotten mediocre reviews and would be an immersion-breaking eyesore even without the netting. That net might keep guests safe, but it doesn’t fit the Dark Universe theme at all; it honestly makes me think of Top Golf. And yet the single most impressive and dramatic visual in the whole land—and perhaps the whole park—sits right next to that netting; the Burning Blade Tavern is set within a wooden windmill whose blades go up in flame several times an hour. Burning Blade has good cocktails, too. In storyline it’s the favorite bar of a group of hunters who protect Darkmoor from the monsters that plague it; you’ll often find them in the bar, sharing stories of their exploits, with grisly trophies of their conquests mounted on the wall. Other walk-around characters in Darkmoor include the breakout hit of the whole park, Igor; Victoria Frankenstein’s assistant is introduced via CGI and an animatronic within the Monsters Unchained ride, but a human Igor can be found walking around Darkmoor, engaging in Insta-worthy interactions with guests. 

Dark Universe has a large, rambling, subterranean-feeling sitdown restaurant called Das Stakehaus, and a place where you can get your face professionally made up like one of the Universal Monsters. Everything here is effectively dwarfed by Monsters Unchained, though; it’s Epic Universe’s best ride, and the kind of astounding signature attraction every theme park needs. Its KUKA arm ride system provides for a full range of unpredictable motion (more than once you’ll wind up entirely horizontal as one monster or another looks down from above), and its massive animatronics are truly staggering. Even its one immersion-breaking flaw has its own special charm; at the end of the ride, below the track, you can see what looks like a refrigerator or large water cooler, presumably for the attraction’s employees. The back stretch of Dark Universe can be a little unsightly, but the rest of the land is Epic Universe at its absolute best.

There’s also a land set in the Harry Potter universe. The Ministry of Magic is a tremendous recreation of 1920s France with a magical flourish, and its one ride, Harry Potter and the Battle at the Ministry, has the longest, most elaborate and unbelievable queue in theme park history. The ride itself has a few amazing moments, largely due to lifelike animatronics that interact seamlessly with the large screens that display most of the ride’s story; that story is dull and overly plot-driven, though, more linear and predictable than that of Monsters Unchained, and without that ride’s all-pervasive sense of chaos. Also the CGI facsimiles of the movies’ leads in their youth are a little disturbing. From a story perspective The Battle at the Ministry makes little sense; yes, the Metrofloo magically transports guests from Paris to London (where the ride takes place), but does it also send them 80 years into the future, when the trial of Dolores Umbridge—the setting for the ride—happens? I don’t want to sound too lukewarm about it; it is a technologically impressive attraction with a unique ride system and state-of-the-art screens and animatronics. It’s absolutely worth riding, and if the line isn’t too long I’ll try to ride it every time I’m at Epic Universe. And hey, riding it doesn’t financially benefit Potter’s creator J.K. Rowling; she doesn’t get a cut of ticket sales. It’s not the best ride at the park, though—and definitely not the best ride in the world, as many breathless reviews have called it over the last month. Add in the fact that Harry Potter feels totally played out from a theme park perspective—this is the third separate Universal land based on it—and also how thoroughly J.K. Rowling’s bigotry has tanked the brand, and The Ministry of Magic just feels a little deflating, despite how amazing the design work is. It’s sad that the greatest theme park recreation of Paris is connected to a woman whose defining legacy will be her gleeful, all-consuming transphobia, but that’s what Harry Potter has become. Oh, there’s a show here, too, based on the Fantastic Beasts spinoff series; it has some cool tech but doesn’t have a show-stopping moment as stupendous as The Untrainable Dragon’s. 

There’s one additional land at Epic Universe, and it’s the only one not based on an existing property. Celestial Park is the hub that binds all these worlds together; it’s where you’ll enter the park, either at the main gate or through the entrance that’s exclusively available to guests at the attached Helios Grand Hotel, and it’s where most of the park’s restaurants and stores are found. It’s also home to two rides: Stardust Racers, an intense dueling coaster, and Constellation Carousel, a stellar update of the carnival classic. Celestial Park is a little drab in the daytime, its large expanses of brick and concrete feeling too much like an anonymous open-air shopping mall, with not nearly enough shade for the Florida heat. (That might be Epic Universe’s biggest flaw overall: there’s very little shade anywhere.) It comes to life at night, though, with sparkling lights and rich colors that live up to the cosmic theme. The two rides are especially beautiful at night; Stardust Racers’ trains look like a beautiful neon blur as they wrap around each other, at one point coming so close you’ll think you can reach out and high-five the other train. And the carousel becomes either a serene starscape or a blissful night club, depending on which random ride experience you get. During the day Celestial Park feels empty and unfinished; at night it’s a wonderland that transports you to the classic amusement parks of yore that inspired it.

Like I said, there’s a full day of stuff to do at Epic Universe. And depending on the lines, it might take more than a day to experience it all. On a granular level, almost all of it is fantastic. Every land feels like a real place with its own schedule and its own life that happens whether you’re there to witness it or not. They’re all intricately designed, with minute details that almost always deepen and enrich the theme. Each land is its own art project come to life, with the primary goal of helping you have a good time. That’s a big part of what a theme park should do, and Epic Universe excels at it.

The lack of a comprehensive, overarching theme does diminish things a bit, though. When I said that Epic Universe can be “oddly unfulfilling” at the top of this piece, it’s because of that lack of thematic unity. The firm break between lands can be jarring, undermining the illusion that theme parks aim to create. Again, it’s not unexpected—this has been Universal’s approach for most of its history, and it’s how the industry in general has gone for most of this century. And it was clear from every bit of new information released by Universal over the last seven years that Epic Universe wouldn’t really have a strong, unifying theme. Expecting it doesn’t make it any less noticeable in person, though, and although every part of Epic Universe works well individually it does feel a little shallow when viewed as a whole. Theme parks at their best, like the original EPCOT Center or Animal Kingdom at its peak, aren’t just fun and familiar, but can make you think and feel in unexpected, eye-opening ways. They don’t just transport you physically but can transport you mentally and emotionally as well. Epic Universe doesn’t quite pull that off. I don’t expect most guests to share that feeling, or, if they do notice the thematic hollowness, to even care. Epic Universe’s four IP-focused lands are all masterclasses in themed design, making the park an absolute must-visit for anybody who cares about this art form; they all feel like their own individual mini park, though, and not part of a larger, cohesive whole. 

Still: Go. Have fun. Be amazed. Epic Universe is finally here, and it delivers on pretty much everything it promised. It’s the new model for the modern theme park, and won’t be matched in America for decades—until whenever Disney or Universal builds another brand new park. (And, uh, not the smaller, kids-focused park Universal is currently building in Texas.) Hopefully we won’t have to wait until 2050 for that to happen.

Senior editor Garrett Martin writes about videogames, TV, travel, theme parks, wrestling, music, and more. You can also find him on Blue Sky.