The 12 Merchants You Meet in JRPG Heaven

7. Mr. Chestnut (Princess Tomato in the Salad Kingdom)

We don’t have electronics stores like we used to. But there was a time when you could walk in and meet a guy exactly like Mr. Chestnut in pretty much every country in the world. Prosperous and humid, in a short-sleeve button down, with a tie and the desperate look of a man ready to sell a hi-fi system and maybe even unload a Betamax player. 

It was a better time. We used to make consumer electronics with actual metal parts. See how long a modern tape deck will last you, I dare you. There’s a reason you kids are always trying to hunt down Sony PVM-14M2Us. 

But Mr. Chestnut? He’s got those. Sure, sure. He’s one of those Nakamichi OMS 7AII CD players that’s a steal at $2,250. Don’t you want to take one home and impress the wife and kids? Why, if you bought one of those in 1989, you could hand it down to your kids today, and they’d be a hit with the audio nerds.

What’s that? Legacy only matters in Phantasy Star III: Generations of Doom and all the kids are only interested in vinyl and MiniDisc now? Fine. Mr. Chestnut’s got those too. After all, a man doesn’t walk into the store if he’s not looking to buy. Maybe you need a new TV while you’re here…

6. Emil (Nier Automata)

No matter how sick of Yoko Taro’s schtick I get, I’ll never get tired of Emil. Every RPG needs a weirdo, and the Tragic Resident Evil Bio Weapon Closet Case is one of those few moments where it feels like Yoko Taro actually gets at genuine emotion without spoiling it.

Until he does. But at least he goes catastrophically big when he does. Look, I’m not going to spoil the whole story of Emil or how he ends up as an actual shopkeeper. So if you haven’t played Gestalt, Replicant, or Automata yet, just trust me when I say, Emil rules. And he got done dirty. But also… It’s complicated.

I don’t think that I’d consider becoming a cursed skeleton mage the same thing as Twink Death, but I’m pretty sure becoming a junk-filled meandering kei truck that only occasionally shows you the GOOD items for sale seemingly at- andom in the post-post-post apocalypse definitely isn’t Twink Life. It’s some kind of weird Yoko Taro “oh see sad robots, the robots are sad” nonsense.

But just listen to how happy this weird little freak’s store jingle is: https://youtu.be/U9yznfbrXbE?si=ahOR7L2nbOMMcPLz

We have no choice but to stan. Even if Yoko Taro is a monster.

5. Weaponsmith Ornifex (Dark Souls 2)

Ornifex is, as Virginia Paine would say, a Wife. And they’re fully correct. Who doesn’t want a corvid weaponsmith as a wife?

Does she live in a haunted ass doll maker shop in a haunted ass, spider-infested hell hole with a nightmare Sand Charybdis just outside her door? Yes. But the half-bird, all-lady weaponsmith is undeniably the queen of magical artifice.

How does she make weapons with only bird wings for arms? Why does she live in a haunted doll-factory hovel in a bad part of Drangleic? Where are her pants? Well it’s obviously because she’s magic, this place is rent-controlled, and you don’t need pants if you’re your own boss!

4. Smoking Pig (Wonder Boy III)

He’s a pig who smokes. He accessorizes with an eyepatch and a stylish red neckerchief. He wears sleeveless horizontal stripes with jorts, and doesn’t give a fuck that he’s short and fat. Of course he’s in the top 5. 

3. The Burglin Park Market Vendors (Earthbound)

There are farmers markets and flea markets and all manner of bazaars in the world, but there is only one Burglin Park Market. This isn’t an individual shopkeeper or vendor, but it’s my list and I don’t care and Burglin Park is your one stop destination for Baked Goods, Condiments, Tools, and Rulers. There’s also a lady who sells $5 bananas and a man with $12 Eggs. Single eggs. $12. Also, because of the nature of Burglin Park (yes, it’s a pun), like everything else here, that’s a stolen $12 Egg. But the larceny makes it taste better.

But most importantly, in Burglin Park you can get your own For Sale sign, and become a vendor yourself. That’s right. Like a cover of Time Magazine, the JRPG Merchant of the Year could be YOU!

2. Trish (Persona 2: Innocent Sin / Persona 2: Eternal Punishment)

Lots of people say they miss Trish from Persona 1. She’s quirky, charming, and fairly reasonable. Her services are valuable in conserving curative items. These are weak men. For Persona 2, Trish kicks it into high gear. They lack the grindset to be worthy of a demon like Trish. 

Me? I stay in those dungeons. I never run out of money.

See, the thing is Trish is an exiled fairy. She was such a manipulative, greedy bitch that all the other fairies were like “Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by Regina George.” And they all shot both hands up. So, boom. Trish was donezo in Fairyland. What do you expect from a gang of 5s though? 

Of course, if she does enough good deeds and repents and all that, they’ll let her back into the fairy realm. Like that’ll ever happen! She’s fully tilted. She’s more Gordon Gekko and Lil Kim’s “Suck My Dick” by volume than she ever was sweetness and light. 

So now she runs a healing spring where she charges astronomical prices. Not like hundreds or even thousands of yen more than other vendors. No, we’re talking tens of thousands in markup. Play the rumor game right and she’ll sell ice cream. Maybe for less (though still outrageously marked up) or for prices that make the real estate war in Yakuza Zero look reasonable. She’s no filter, all fillers. She’ll literally tell you “GO AND DIE FOR ALL I CARE!” if you don’t cough up the dough. 

Naturally, this is why I adore this spiteful ho. 

1. Torneko Taloon (Dragon Quest IV and More!)

Did you really expect anything else?

Torneko Taloon is the Ocarina of Time of NPC merchants. No ranked list can exist without him, no ranked list can exist without him being number one, and as much as it is deserved… It’s also kind of a let down, isn’t it?

Let’s face it. Torneko is too big to fail. If I had put anything else in this list at number one, there would be riots in the streets the likes of which Stravinski couldn’t conceive. And by that I mean five to 100 people would be in my DMs screaming at me for not putting him on here while the rest of you that scrolled down to see who’s number one are like “Who?”

Rotund and mustachioed, Torneko Taloon had a dream of owning his own store and becoming the greatest merchant in the world. He has a wife and a son, and he loves them both, and they love him, and all three support each other. So beloved he spans multiple Dragon Quests starting with Dragon Quest IV and even kickstarted Chunsoft’s venerable and colossal Mystery Dungeon franchise with his own game Torneko’s Great Adventure, or (the more impressive and fun to bellow) Torneko no Daiboken: Fushigi no Dungeon. Do you know how many Mystery Dungeon games there are? 

28 (by my count). Torneko is so important he spawned a 28 GAME FRANCHISE, despite being in only three of them (he’s busy, he has a shop in Endor and a family, duh.)

What can we learn from Torneko? Friendship, bravery, honor, integrity. All these things. Be good to your fellows and love your family. Don’t be too afraid to dream, don’t be afraid of dungeons, and always, always comb your mustache. Yes, Torneko may be the safe choice, the expected choice, and the unavoidable choice for #1, but you could do a lot worse as an adventurer than stumbling into Torneko’s shop. A lot worse. 

Family man. Adventurer. Small Business Owner.

My god, if you can’t feel your heart glow reading that last line, go back and read it again until you can. Torneko Taloon is the best of us. 

Dia Lacina is a queer indigenous writer and photographer. She tweets too much at @dialacina.