The 5 Best Videogame Alpacas of 2013
2013 was not the year of the bow; it was the year of the alpaca. This year, more games than ever featured our furry friends in both starring and supporting roles. At this rate, videogame development as we know it will end by the year 2034 as alpacas overtake the industry. You might be wary of this inevitable change but I, for one, welcome our new camelid overlords. As the Internet’s most renowned expert working at the intersection of videogames and alpacas, it’s my responsibility to teach you more about the best videogame alpacas of the year so that you can better prepare yourselves for the coming alpacalypse.
5. Ingrid from Alpaca Run
Ingrid is dear to my heart. I created her in the form of a song during the summer of 2006, in the midst of a deep malaise. At the time, Ingrid was a symbol of freedom from the cruel exigencies of reality. Seven years later, that song inspired a musical auto-running platformer. Because of my obvious bias in her favor, I have to place her on the bottom of this list. But still, in the pantheon of videogame alpacas, Ingrid is one of the greats. Alpaca Run designer Cameron Kunzelman painstakingly researched alpaca leg movements to create a perfectly jaunty two-frame running animation. And Guy Conn carefully mixed actual alpaca orgle noises into the soundtrack. For her authenticity and cuteness, Ingrid at least deserves a mention. But if you know Ingrid, you know she won’t be content with last place. Expect her to top this list next year. She can’t stop now. She’s on a roll.
4. Mutant alpaca from Alpaca Evolution
Alpaca Evolution is the Human Centipede of alpaca games. In the game, you play as an alpaca that cannibalizes other alpacas, absorbing their corpses into your own body until you become a hydra-headed, Kafkaesque alpaca abomination. Let me be clear: This game is repulsive and vile. It takes delight in transforming the most adorable animal under the sun into a genocidal killer. The noble alpaca should never be a vehicle for shock value. If I didn’t have to place Ingrid last on this list for ethical reasons—and if there were any more than five prominent alpacas in games this year—I wouldn’t even mention Alpaca Evolution. Apple should remove it from the App Store. The United States Supreme Court should deem it obscene because it is devoid of value and meaning. If you love alpacas, avoid this game at all costs. (Ed. note: Paste contributor Joe Bernardi enjoyed Alpaca Evolution a little bit more.)