5 Reasons I’m Not Playing Elite: Dangerous

I’ll admit I did some digging on your family history—and I admit that may be a scummy move to pull on you—but I can’t help but notice you’re the fourth in a long line of Elite games, going back 30 years now. That’s plenty of lore to have to digest in order to understand where you’re coming from—and what you want to do. Your name is legend in the British Isles—being a highly heralded series on that side of the pond however has done nothing to improve your image around these parts. I’m from the sleepy South. We were lucky to get games from the other side of the continent let alone European or British releases. By the time I had heard of you back drafts of all the good your predecessors had reaped back in the U.K. started wafting around here. Knowing something like that should set my heart ablaze—but it fills me with dread. Imagine if after our tutorial phase we take off the training wheels on this adventure and I just don’t get you. Sure the space exploration looks amazing—but what if it doesn’t do anything for me—what if it’s empty? Do you know how many games get dropped every year just because someone can’t make sense of the core mechanics and thus can’t get hooked? I’d be devastated if I couldn’t get behind you after seeing you make it so far just to be released. Call me xenophobic or short sighted—but I’m just not in the market for the scion of Britain’s biggest open ended space game at the time.

I’m…Seeing Someone Else.

Yes after all this excuse making and shin kicking I have my worst confession to make—I’m seeing someone else. Someone just beat you to the punch this season by a slim margin. And it’s nothing against anything you have to offer—but it just happened. I found someone who gets me—and who doesn’t demand my time but certainly deserves it. Sure, it doesn’t have as huge of an open world and it may not be anywhere near as smart as you but we come from the same corners—we get each other. I’ve practically been a part of that family for years now, so it seemed natural. What I’m skirting around is, if I didn’t already commit to Persona Q a few months earlier, I’d be so open and on the market. But something about being my first 3DS game—hell my first handheld since the Game Boy Advance—just enticed me to take the plunge. Hell, I’m about 70 hours into my second play through, so things are clearly getting serious.

17 Dollar Ship Skin DLC?!

Yeah—this is a real deal breaker. You want me to buy gold wrap arounds for a ship when that kind of money could easily buy me a couple gyros combos? That’s a lot of feta. I know I said I like looking good and showing of—and believe me, a lot of the ships look grand—but 17.50 for color swaps when most of my gameplay is inside the ship? As a goof I loaded up a new copy of the game and all available DLC. It costs $112.40—or roughly the cost of two open world space faring games. Look, it’s not expected of me to buy this stuff—especially when the price doesn’t match the reward. I’ve had this problem before with past relationships (looking at you, Forza) where added content is frivolously and massively priced. Now this has everything to do with paying the bills, I understand that, but give me a little more love than that. Maybe some sort of promise of faster expansion release or the keys to a space base with a jacuzzi. Maybe I shouldn’t worry about the bells and whistles, but that sticker shock really settled in for a second.

I’ve already wasted a lot of your tie when a simple “not right now” would have sufficed—but I felt it necessary to explain why I’m not going to take the dive. Again—that’s not to say in some not-to-distant future that I won’t be back for you, Elite: Dangerous, when I’ve finally got what it takes. Until then—be on your baddest behavior.

Yours Truly—
Devin.

Devin Hall was powered by gyros and fries while writing this article. He writes about videogames and dances to that darn hip-hop music kids like so much— follow on Twitter @bboymaestro.