God of War: Ascension (PS3)

Remember the first time you were appalled by the gratuitous violence and blatant sexism of God of War? OK, so maybe you—specifically—were not appalled. Maybe pressing plastic buttons while listening to the sounds of ancient mythological love-making felt like the pinnacle of the maturation of videogames as an art form back in 2005. Maybe the muscle-bound protagonist, swords firing from his arms in a dance with bare-breasted demons, seemed cool in the same way keg-stands once seemed like a great idea.

But eight years have passed, and Kratos is the perennial senior who just keeps showing up to the same frat parties with the same old tricks. Everyone else has grown up and moved on to a new life, but the Ghost of Sparta calls you up every couple of years promising he’s really changed this time.

One could argue God of War: Ascension is afforded a pass for trotting out the tired, well-worn path blazed by three major console releases, two handheld titles, and even a dismal mobile game. After all, Ascension is a prequel—you know, that place stories go when they’ve run out of gas. Kratos is only starting his adventure as an incredibly angry dude who will apparently spend his entire life ripping the heads off of pretty much anything. He’s been in a perpetual bad mood for almost eight years, but Sony thinks we should still love him.

Unfortunately, even if the sneering anti-hero is unaware of his fate, you know how this tale ends. You would probably scream at the screen, letting Kratos in on the secret if you cared about him whatsoever.

And frankly, the future looks awfully redundant. Take the admittedly stunning set pieces of the first three God of War games, the simply gargantuan boss fights, and the combo-driven hack-and-slash swirling of blades, and you have basically experienced the whole of God of War: Ascension. Jump on this weird beast plucked from some obscure mythology book because the developer already exhausted all the better-known monsters. Marvel at the exhilaration of pushing the X-button at the precise moment. Swoon over the obligatory scene with topless women talking in gross phone-sex voices.

But it’s unfair to act as if Ascension is merely a line-tracing of its predecessors. A change definitely worth noting is the inclusion of the worst camera to ever grace the God of War series. Occasionally, Ascension seems to forget you’re even in the room, with Kratos disappearing far into the background on the back of some vaguely Greek abomination. Landing perfectly timed combos and parries takes some patience, and the experience is somewhat diminished in appeal when the proceedings are akin to observing a flea circus from a mile away.