Unglued: Beyond Guitar Hero
Typically we love The Onion‘s sly manipulation of journalistic protocol. Like when instead of interviewing real actual sources who are typically unfunny, they photoshop George W. Bush so he appears to be standing in the oval office hoisting a large anaconda and grinning. However we were both flattered and dismayed when the concept for their recent Sousaphone Hero story appeared to be cribbed right from the pages of our March ’07 issue. Thanks and damn you, Onion! Love, Paste.
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DEAR RED OCTANE,
My name is Elbert Lagerfeld, and I serve as the Senior VP of Interactive Entertainment Marketing Solutions for a reputable firm here in Corvallis, Mont. We keep an eye on the video-game industry’s hottest new trends and brainstorm creative ways to draw a bit of extra sizzle from them. A sales associate at Best Buy recently turned me on to your wildly popular Guitar Hero II and now I find it popping up everywhere. Just this afternoon I heard a comedian on some VH1 list special call the game “so totally sex!” and, though I’ve never heard “sex” used as an adjective, I’m pretty sure I agree 100 percent.
The game’s track selection is impeccable: Mötley Crüe (spandex-clad Satanism!), Rush (anarchic time signatures!) and G N’ R (a child who is sweet!), to name just a few of my personal faves. Plus, I honestly feel like a guitar virtuoso when I wield the miniature plastic Gibson SG controller and mash its color-coded “fret buttons” in time with the relentlessly encroaching dots on screen. This game might be more addictive than Tetris.
So you’ve got a great game. Well, buy yourself a sandwich! You can’t stop there. Let me hit you with some ideas right off the top of my head. I’m talking brand extension here, people. I’m talking a whole line of games. Ready? Here goes:
1. Sitar Hero: I know, I know, this one’s kind of a no-brainer—I figured I’d start with low-hanging fruit. For starters, the word “sitar” is phonetically similar to “guitar” and I’m pretty sure you play it while sitting Indian-style. One thing kids don’t like is exercise and Guitar Hero involves standing, which—to most hardcore gamers—has exercise written all over it. Plus, the metal plectrum you use to pick a sitar is called a mezrab, which sounds like the name of a Norwegian black-metal band. Guitar Hero fans adore Norwegian black metal and will be anxious to get their hands on this one.