How the Nintendo Switch 2 Could Finally Steal Me Away From the Playstation Vita

A blob girl has to go where the blobbers are. And baby, the blobbing is so good right now.

How the Nintendo Switch 2 Could Finally Steal Me Away From the Playstation Vita

I’m as surprised as anyone that I ended up finding a place in my life for the Switch 2. Or any Switch for that matter. After my partner fell off Animal Crossing when they’d gotten every fish and fossil, it basically went into a desk drawer. But when Microsoft decides to go mask off and decides profiting off of genocide is more important than anything else, and you haven’t even touched your Xbox since the Diablo 4 review, sometimes you find yourself checking the trade-in value at your local Gamestop. And when you realize you can get a new Switch and the Donkey Kong game for a song… well, why not?

That’s how this saga started. And when I got it home, before even allowing it to properly charge, I played five minutes of Mario Kart World (the first five minutes of a Mario Kart I’ve played since 1992), and 45 minutes of Donkey Kong Bananza, and then… 

Well, the next thing I knew it was 4 a.m. and I was elbow deep in the sumi-e inspired world of The Labyrinth of Zangetsu (a bog standard Wizardry with a massively compelling coat of paint). 

Did the boosted hardware and bigger screen of the Switch 2 substantially improve the dungeon crawling experience? No. But did I spend an entire day bouncing between the inimitable minimalism of (the far too ignored) Dungeon Encounters and the still fresh Shiren the Wanderer: The Mystery Dungeon of Serpentcoil Island from the comfort of my couch—and then bed? Absolutely. Am I going right back to it once I file this overdue article? 100%.

The wealth of DRPGs that span subgenres available on the Switch is frankly overwhelming. It’s easily a rival to the 3DS and PSP before it (despite a few noteworthy omissions—Atlus, get with the fucking program and stop fucking around with Persona 5. You have a backlog of Megamis to Tensei onto the Shin Switch). I know, dear reader. I hate what I just did too. You can yell at me, but I won’t care.

Today, I want to talk to you about Blobbers. And just Blobbers. Because while you may have guessed from the several articles I’ve written about venturing into the enclosed walls of terror for fortune and glory in all of its applicable subgenres, my true love is the simple turn-based, party-driven exploration of a grid from a first person perspective. Let’s face it. I am a blob girl. Wizardry, after all, is the most recent common ancestor for nearly every game I love.

More followed in the days after this first night: the exceptional, brutal, and robust Wizardry: The Five Ordeals, with its depth of fan content and an aesthetic that can only be described as “what too much Moldvay and Lodoss does to a motherfucker.” And then the first two Class of Heroes in their remastered forms, as I prepared for the upcoming third release. I ducked into Labyrinth of Refrain with its complicated, problematic toxic yuri content and so-so class mechanics. And, of course, my beloved Undernauts. We won’t talk about how Etrian Odyssey HD 1-3 were on sale and, of course, I had to get them and their unmatched Yuzo Koshiro FM ministrations.

A nearly $700 total value “next generation” console was cradled in my hands, and here I was flooded with DRPGs from the dawn of Sony’s UMD format. In that moment I realized the Switch has nearly wrested the championship belt from the heavyweight DRPG champion of the world: the noble PlayStation Vita.

But before I’m willing to just hand over the title, I’m going to need some assurances from Nintendo. Because while so many of my favorites, and even some mediocre but noteworthy games have been fully brought over, there are four games I need carried forward if I’m to fully embrace the Dungeon Switch Future.

OPERATION ABYSS: NEW TOKYO LEGACY (ok, and maybe the sequel too…)

nintendo switch 2 blobber

Both Operation Abyss, and its more systemically-involved sequel Operation Babel, tell the story of the Xth Squad—a secret team of high school-sponsored teens who battle the supernatural elements plaguing a future Tokyo that are beyond the scope of the police using “blood codes” to harness the abilities of legendary historical figures. Having awoken in a sewer in the middle of becoming food for these monsters, you’re subsequently recruited, thrown in charge of a team you get to build, and it’s off to the races with this violent, sci-fi/fantasy Wizardry-like adventure. Sure, some may think if you’ve played one Experience Inc. blobber you’ve basically played them all, but it’s charming and actually makes wizards keep Levitate up because traps are very, very real. There’s also some very Persona-like school drama that plays out and I’d be lying if I said that the appeal of fast-food anime isn’t lost on me. Also, you can take your classmates to the therapist’s office for a literal change of personality, and if that isn’t exactly the kind of sauce you’ve been missing from a dungeon crawler, I can’t help you. 

UNCHAINED BLADES

nintendo switch 2 blobber

What happens when you combine the powers of RPG luminaries like Akashi Toshio (Lunar), Hino Takashi (Grandia), Nobuo Uematsu (really?), and a boatload of artists with equally impressive pedigrees? Well, okay, like most supergroups, the output isn’t that impressive. But this (narrative-heavy-for-a) Wizardry clone has a charming Etrian Odyssey-like aesthetic that I really warmed up to, even if I never got around to finishing it. (Dungeon crawlers are Long, and I only have this one wild and precious life, ok?). But I think I might like to finish it one of these days. Sure, it reviewed poorly and it has its rough edges. Still, I have always loved games where both party members and summoned monsters work together. Why have a blob of (four, five, or six) when you can have a blob of 10 to 20? And while we may have long since surpassed the bog-standard anime quasi-revenge story of the Dragon Emperor Fang who pissed off a goddess, got transformed into a human, and now is clawing his way back to power with equally dramatic companions, it’s just added bonus when grinding out some classic, brutal mazes.

DUNGEON TRAVELERS 2: THE ROYAL LIBRARY & THE MONSTER SEAL

nintendo switch 2 blobber

You either embrace the fanservice or push past it, but do so and you’ll be extra rewarded with one of the most delightful, dialogue-heavy dungeon crawlers on the Vita. Of course, the real draw behind this oversexed blob-fest is one of the most robust class systems outside of the more byzantine Final Fantasy Job systems or a Matsuno game. From the five basic classes you’ll end up speccing your party of boisterous anime gals into over 30 different, specialized jobs from the classics of the genre, like Bishops, Valkyrie, and Samurai, and all the way to the debuffing Etoile dancing her Debilitating Salsa. There’s Mistresses, Papillons, and (mediocre) Dark Lords galore. Whether you’re a min-maxer who can’t get enough systems optimization, or someone who likes to play around with weird party compositions, Dungeon Travelers 2, despite the anime upskirt in the first 30 seconds of the game, really has it where it counts. And you’re going to need it because don’t let the moe-horny aesthetic fool you: this game absolutely intends to wipe your party before you even get out of the tutorial dungeon.

ELMINAGE: ORIGINAL

nintendo switch 2 blobber

If I can only take one blobber with me into Valhalla, it would be Elminage: Original. This game is it. Dungeons are brutal. Enemy compositions are frequently flat-out unfair. Shops in towns barely sell gear that keeps pace with progression, meaning you have to grind it out. And you will grind—oh god will you grind. But all of that pays off in one of the most satisfying dungeon crawling experiences you can officially purchase in the US. I admit, this is a game for those of the true faith. The kind of people who will take the shrine maiden class, and instead of armor, equip every slot on her body with a different ofuda or omikuji, transforming her into an unmatched holy menace against the undead. This is a game where you need to spend an hour per character rolling high double-digit bonus stats just for a chance to get enough of an edge to survive the opening dungeons. Elminage: Original isn’t the most brutal and it’s not as grind-heavy as some of the Japanese Wizardry‘s can get, but it’s absolutely a game for the unhinged in a genre designed for the unhinged. And I just really love the gang of misfit demon henchmen who show up as comic relief and the occasional dick slap of a boss fight. And now listen up, there’s a port coming out in Japan. So you all better start manifesting that this gets a speedy US localization too.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. 

One day, my PlayStation Vita will die. Whether it’s the lithium-ion battery that goes first (bloated, gassy, presidential), or the emissive layer of the 5” OLED that finally decays beyond legibility. It doesn’t matter. Maybe it just gets dropped one last time. But after 13 years, the hours it has left are less than the hours it has had. And like a wandering, time-lost warrior’s orb, the bright glow from within will extinguish, and its screen will just be a cold, smooth oblong of darkened glass. Something to hold and try to remember upon. Maybe someday, years from now, with help from a stalwart Chris Person-type, blessed by the power of Bahamut, with soldering skills I’m not careful enough to develop, and access to post-tariff Chinese aftermarket components, my e-waste will shine again. But for me, its time will have passed into memory.

I love my Vita. I never really thought of myself as someone who was particularly fond of handheld gaming. I lived a life pinging between various PC platforms (Apple, IBM, Commodore) before settling into an identity as a die-hard TV console gamer. It’s true I am guilty of owning/breaking multiple Game Boys, a Game Gear, and a TurboExpress. There was also that time I lost an SP and my copy of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance in a Saab 900 Convertible disaster (interstate, slipstream). A moment of silence for the handhelds that came before, please. Okay, moving on. None of them was the Vita, however.

Yes, there were other handhelds, but the Vita is special. I didn’t anticipate a return to video games after nearly a decade of just peeking at blogs from afar, but that’s how destiny captures every unassuming hero in its net. On a day where sudden freezing rain soaked through my peacoat and it was too windy to even light a cigarette, I stepped into the sepulchral subterrain of the lone Comcast Tower and wandered its mazelike corridors, dodging the grim-faced, officious security guards who denied access to the upper floors, until I found myself pulling out my debit card and walking home with a PS Vita and a copy of Persona 4 Golden—a gamer awoken.

After a decade of the Vita being my hub for dungeoneering and my partner’s occasional indie diversion, no Switch will be able to replace it in my heart. It will always be too big, with too much screen. It’ll never survive being dropped and sent flying up Market from 19th damn near clear to 20th. If you tried that, the joycons that hang perilously like Marco Rubio’s Dumbo skin flaps, would burst apart like the old Crash Test Dummies action figures. And even if all of the blobbers get ported over that leaves the entire rest of its extensive catalog locked away. No, as much as the Switch makes sense for me at this time, it is still a surrogate, not a replacement. Forgive me, Furukawa-sama.

But it could be a beach house… If we all clap our hands and believe hard enough, I could rest a little easier knowing that all my beloved blobbers are safe and accessible on this ungainly grey slab that I visit from time to time to decompress. Help me, Furukawa-sama. You’re my only hope.

I don’t think that’s asking too much. Especially not after I’ve taken such pains to elaborate why I’m tentatively back to being fuckbuddies with Nintendo. Four games. That’s all. Stop suing people and shutting down ROM sites, and let’s make this future happen together, Furukawa-sama. 


Dia Lacina is a queer indigenous writer and photographer. She tweets too much at @dialacina.

 
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